Connection and the Internet
Connected online but feeling disconnected in your life?
I attended an in-person networking event recently and afterwards, felt like a withered flower that had been watered. I felt fulfilled, purposeful, and in alignment. Now there’s a sentence full of coaching buzzwords. But I did. I’d sprung back to life.
One of my core values is connection. When I say “values”, I mean one of the criteria that I identify as an absolute must in my life in order to feel fulfilled.
Your definition of “connection” might be different from mine. As with any value, it doesn’t necessarily need a dictionary definition. But you do need to be clear on what the word (i.e., value) means to you, as opposed to someone else, or that will defeat the purpose.
To me, “connection” means:
- being with people in a 3D sense (in person);
- keeping in contact with friends and colleagues;
- bringing other people together, or introducing people to one another;
- meeting and building rapport with people; and
- saying hello to people you encounter in your day and genuinely being interested in them.
Since leaving my last corporate job in 2017, and office life, I’ve had to create daily connection in a variety of ways:
I’ve made new business acquaintances here in the UK and on the other side of the globe (we stay connected via the internet).
I’ve been part of online coaching groups, training programmes, and business memberships, which have allowed me to connect with new people (we stay in touch via the internet).
I’ve made connections on Instagram who have become friends and business peers in real life (we stay in touch via the internet).
And I’ve also started great friendships when I’ve attended yoga retreats solo. And guess what? Yes, we invariably keep in touch via the internet.
What I’ve learned is that there’s a BIG difference between being connected in a digital sense and in person.
Because no matter how many connections I have online, or chats in my WhatsApp, nothing replaces the sense of catching up with people IRL (in real life). If you carried on having Zoom quiz nights every week post-pandemic, you’ll probably disagree. For the record, I don’t know anyone who has.
I’m definitely not the first to say this, but it’s kind of crazy to be living in an era that fosters effortless global connection with our friends, family, and work. And yet, at the same time, people are feeling more disconnected than ever.
The internet might have made life a lot more convenient, not to mention enabling millions of people to work from anywhere and create online businesses. But I feel like it might also have had an insidious and less positive impact on the way we lead our lives too.
I realise there’s probably a correlation here with the loneliness epidemic, which saw the British Government under Theresa May put in place a “Minister for Loneliness”, so-called by the media, to develop ways of measuring loneliness levels. I fear that could take me off down a deeper rabbit hole, so I’ll park that for now and might come back to this another time.
In 2017, I took a screenshot of this post by Emery Lord, because I thought it was so on point:
There’s a difference between speaking on the phone and chatting on apps like WhatsApp. As an early adopter of WhatsApp, I loved the speed at which I could send and receive messages. All of a sudden, iMessage seemed clunky. All of these apps are great because they foster connections you may not have otherwise had because of work, geographical location, parenting commitments, or your physical health and ability. WhatsApp especially is efficient and convenient. Except not if you leave me a 5-minute-long voicenote/podcast, which I have to take notes for in order to respond. Please don’t do that. Or send directions via voicenote! Please no! How am I supposed to get the high level details - do I need to put your voicenote into Chat GPT?!
I digress. But my feeling is that WhatsApp has become a bit like the modern-day inbox. I treat it like I would email now.
I’d never get anything done if I was sitting responding to WhatsApp messages all day. I remember in my days of office-working, a colleague came to my desk to inform me they’d sent me an email to review, as if I should have noticed. I pointed out that I had hundreds of emails in my inbox and if it was something urgent, please could they come and speak to me or pick up the phone. I’m starting to feel the same about WhatsApp. It can become overwhelming at times.
So, what do we do?
Like many things in the world right now, I think we’re still trying to figure it out. But I think that we can leverage technology in a conscious way so that it’s useful and we don’t allow ourselves to become even more disconnected.
I think this means consciously fostering more IRL connections and the time we spend on our phones. This could mean:
Putting your phone down and getting out to meet people. I dare you to leave it behind and not have a panic about that interfering with your step count.
Joining sports clubs/art clubs/choirs/social clubs* and leaving your phone in your bag when you get there. *interchangeable with any other “club” you like, as long as it’s in person.
Making an effort to catch up with friends (even if it would be easier to catch up by WhatsApp or Zoom). And leaving your phone in your bag/coat when you do meet (because the phone is a symbol of disconnection as well as a cognitive distraction).
Going out for a coffee when you’re working from home and making conversation with the barista, even if it’s just to ask how their day is going.
It means picking up the phone to people instead of sending a text. Or sending a voice-note (although please see my plea above about podcast-style ones).
If you identity at the extreme spectrum of introversion or as a-social, then maybe you see our increasingly virtual lives as extremely positive. I’m all ears. And also, part of me has this deep sense that we’ve evolved to exist in tribes and be together with one another. And of course, perhaps if you were born in another generation, this is just what you’ve always done, and therefore it’s what you’re used to.
What do you think?